A year ago on this date, Dean and I stood before God and encircled by a few close friends and family members and exchanged wedding vows. It was a beautiful, simple ceremony. I am privileged to be married to a wonderful man with too many gifts and talents to write here. But the most wonderful and important thing about him is that he has a heart that is tender towards the things of the Lord and desires to grow in Christ-likeness. I am a grateful and blessed recipient of that kind of heart. Together we are growing into our oneness and realizing more and more that marriage is not simply for our joy and pleasure. It is how God has chosen to reflect the relationship of Christ and His Bride, the Church. Therefore our vows, our commitment, our love and our life together is to reflect that most sacred relationship. By God's grace and strength alone can we have a marriage that achieves that goal. We thank the Lord for our first year together and look forward to many, many more.

A tentative new beginning

The writing bug seems to be nipping at me a bit lately so I thought I would start the pen moving so to speak and see where it goes. I don't even know if anyone checks in here anymore but that is ok. Sometimes I write for others and sometimes I write simply to pour from my heart what is there - whether sad, happy, light or heavy. Today might end up a bit heavy as my heart is heavy. I read on a friend's facebook page that she has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. She is young - compared to me - with a husband and children. I don't know if I am more sensitive and aware these days or if there is an increase in hurting people...or both....but I do know that at times it seems like I can hardly name a friend or acquaintance that is going through some real hard stuff of life. Whether it is a health, financial, marital or emotional struggle, there are so many hurting people. I think God has increased my heart-capacity to see the hurt and be moved by it to pray. Most of my life I just squelched or ignored most pangs in my heart for others unless they were very close to me. I didn't do this out of pure selfishness or meanness. It was more from survival b/c honestly sometimes I am overwhelmed by the sufferings of others and 99.9% of the time I can't do a thing to help ease it. Before I would try to turn off the compassion b/c it hurt too much to see the suffering. Now I try to take it to the Lord in prayer...pour it out at His feet, pray for His intervention and miracles...and try my best to leave it there. There is a fine line for me between feeling for others and letting that lead me to pray and being overwhelmed by the feelings and seeking to shut them down. God freed me to open my heart and feel several years ago and I am so grateful for that...although it does come with a price of actually feeling. Truly though I would much rather feel - even the pain - than be numb. I couldn't carry it without going under though if I didn't turn it into prayer for those who are hurting. God can carry it all and He wants to carry it so I seek to give it to Him as He is really the only one who can help the hurting heart.

I am starting to see the link between all this and the spiritual gift of encouragement that I believe God has given to me. When walking in the Spirit, the gift can be used of God to bring a moment of comfort and life to someone who is struggling. But the flipside is getting frustrated or down when something doesn't change to relieve their pain. That is where I always have to come back to leaving all the cares with the Lord and trusting Him to work out His plan and purposes. It is a learning process for sure. Sometimes I take the pain and give it to Him well, other times I sit with it and it weighs me down. That is when I know I am trying to carry it rather than letting my Almighty, Sovereign Father carry it.

With all of this going on within me, I see more and more clearly how much I need to spend time with the Lord. Not just in a specific quiet time - which is paramount- but also throughout the day, to be aware of His presence with me in each moment. If I am not receiving life from Him, I certainly can't be a very good vessel of passing it on to another or from keeping my heart from despair at all the suffering around me. Not to mention dealing with my own struggles and difficulties. I heard a sermon not too long ago that focused on humility and the passage in Matthew 18 about coming to the Lord as a child. It isn't that we come as an innocent child b/c let's face it we all know children aren't really innocent. Naive maybe but not innocent. They start early with manipulation and selfishness, etc. You don't need to be a parent to see that. But rather it is coming to Christ as a child who is completely dependent on his parents for everything....everything!! Food, shelter, protection, clothing, etc. A young child cannot do anything without his parents. That is how we are before God whether we acknowledge it or not. I can't take my next breathe or type another word or have a thought without God having given that ability to me. Any skills or talents or gifts I have are from Him. I didn't create them within me or even the ability to sharpen and develop them. All comes from God. It is a fact whether we choose to believe it or not. So how does this all tie together? Good question. Let me think for a minute where I was going..... Oh yes. My increasing awareness of my dependence on God and my care for those who are hurting are tied together. I can't carry the latter and survive without doing the former. I will be crushed under the weight of despair if I don't realize that I can do nothing without God and He alone can carry the weight of the world. He alone is the great Comforter and He alone can help the hurting heart. My role is simply to pray. To bring my concerns before the Lord and ask for His intervention as He sees fit. To pray His word over those who are hurting and ask that He turn their hearts toward Him. I am as a child completely dependent on my Father for every little thing - from every breath I take to every step I make. So I must take the cares to Him and if He moves me to speak or write or do anything else to encourage someone, then obey. Pray and obey. Hmmmm....I like that. Not trust and obey like the hymn - although that is foundational- but in this case it is to pray and obey.

1 Peter 5:5a-7..."and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your cares upon Him b/c He cares for you."

Obviously I am not doing any better at blogging in the last few weeks than I have in the last several months. Hmmmm......I need some inspiration. If I get some, I'll let you know.

My aim is to update my blog with some serious postings and maybe pictures over the next couple of weeks. I don't know at this moment what I will write about but hopefully it will flow as I type like it usually does. Thank you all for your continued interest and checking in on the blog so often. I am sorry for not doing a better job. Talk to you soon... :)

A new year has begun and I am still very negligent on keeping my blog up to date. Well let's see what I can do about that. Yesterday was our three month anniversary of being married. Seems longer and seems shorter. Adjusting to a new home, new town, new church and a husband has definitely had its challenges. All these things are good and I like them and yet at the same time I often get homesick for the area in IL where I lived close to family and my very good friends. In time this new place will seem like home but that does take time. I have spent most of the last three months getting our new home in order, spending time with Dean - of course, and learning how to cook. I haven't killed him yet so that is really good. :) Actually he has quite the cast iron stomach so I feel a lot of freedom to try new stuff and make mistakes. Dean is very encouraging and I appreciate that. Really I am enjoying being a wife and homemaker. It has been a gift to be able to stay home and take care of things here without the pressure of a job, etc. I am starting to work with the worship team at our church. Dean is quite the guitar player and loves music as do I. But alas, I have no significant musical talent and I like to be behind the scenes so I am learning to do the sound board and AV stuff. Never thought I'd be an AV geek. LOL. This past Sunday was my first time at the church and I really enjoyed it. I have had some exposure to doing sound with the Christian Rock band that Dean has been playing in for the last year so I am not a complete nubi. I do have plenty to learn though. It is nice for us to be able to serve the Lord together. I am also looking to be an assistant to a professional photographer I have met at church. Initially I just wanted to hang out with him to learn more about working my camera and composing shots but he has need of an assistant so it may move into that area. I am excited about the possibility and still look forward to having the time to care for Dean and our home. We'll see how the Lord moves and if the open door stays that way.

So really life is quite simple. I have no interesting things to write about different cultures as I did in Ghana. That is a main reason why I am not writing as much. But as other things hit me I will try to put them down on "paper". I have been focused in other areas so the writing seems to have taken a back seat. But perhaps that will change down the road.

Dean and I met dancing and we enjoy it so much. We had a dance floor in the tent that was decent enough size to really enjoy it. Our "first" dance started with a typical slow song, but then we broke into a fast two-step and then finished with a west coast swing. It was fantastic!! That man can lead and dance so well. I hope we are dancing together until we need walkers! :)













Just us enjoying each other and the day. Thanking God for how He works and moves when we least expect it.

Of course you all remember my roomie in Ghana, Margaret. I was thrilled beyond belief that she drove all the way from Mississippi to come to the wedding. I hadn't seen her in a year and almost knocked her flat with the hug! She's as wonderful and beautiful as ever.














My dad got to marry us. That was incredibly special. Dean's pastor also took part and gave the charge and the message.

The Newlyweds

I thought I would post just a couple of pictures from our wedding. It was a wonderful day and a very special ceremony. We had a blast at the reception dancing, talking and watching my niece and nephews tear up the floor. :) It was a very small wedding and that made it intimate and special. We are in Wisconsin now and still working on getting our home set up and organized. So much stuff!! Perfect opportunity to pare down. :) We enjoyed a few days of honeymoon at Lake Geneva in Wisconsin. It was so beautiful with the fall colors. I love that place.

Well I just wanted to give you a little snapshot of our special day. I will put more pictures on facebook at some point and maybe some more here for those of you not on facebook. Blessings.

Goin to the chapel and we're gonna get married.....

Well pretty much everything is in place and ready for action on Saturday. The truly big unknown and uncontrollable factor is the weather. Sigh... doesn't look good right now but I am praying that the weather predictor people are wrong as usual just in the right direction! :) My dress is so pretty but it isn't for cold weather. But we have backup plans so all will be well. Dean is moved into our apartment in Wisconsin and it is mostly organized. We will have a bit to do when we get up there next week. It will be nice to finish it together. Big transition on the way! I hope that as Dean and I settle into life together that I will have the time...and the desire... to write again. We'll see what happens. I will be looking for at least a part-time job and that should be interesting in this economic climate. But I am happy to say that God is not controlled by our economy and He will provide what is needed, when it is needed. Now to hold onto that if the search stretches out for some time. :)

I imagine I won't write again until after the wedding so until then.... blessings to you all.

How often did I write from Ghana about holding opposing emotions in tandem? Quite a bit I imagine. Well here I am again... needing to do the same thing. I am overwhelmed with grief, I guess it is, at moving from my home town and my parent's home and at the same time I am excited to make a life and home with Dean. I can't wait for these next two weeks to pass quickly and yet I know that I am going to be homesick despite just being 2 hours from home. Between all this, planning the wedding, family issues, daily life and packing I have to say that I am quite exhausted in mind, body and soul. Emotions hover near the surface. I really just need to sit down and have a good cry but don't have the time or want to exert the energy. Sigh. It will happen and it will be a good thing but not now. I think what I am longing for is some semblance of being settled. It seems that ever since about 2003-2004 I have been moving, living in limbo, dealing with a major life change. I find it rather tiring. And yet wonderful things have happened along the way as they always do b/c God doesn't just leave us wallowing. I look forward to being a wife and homemaker. Shocking in this day and age but there it is. I will need to work part-time at least and that is fine but mostly I want to be his wife, his partner and grow together. The weight of marriage is more clearly defined for me as of late. It isn't just about us being together and being happy and enjoying life. It is a representation of the union of Christ and the Church and there is weight and responsibility that comes with that. In the midst of the joy and companionship and love we are to be a testimony to the Lord and reflect His relationship with us as part of the Church. There is a somberness mingled with the joy and anticipation.

Am I babbling?? Little bit I think. See my mind is cluttered with so much stuff - details, decisions, to-do lists, etc. and so it is hard to truly parse out all that is going on. Hmmmm perhaps some time away from the planning and the moving next week is greatly needed. That sounds like a good stress reliever. A nice sunny day, some beautiful spot in Creation and space to rest and restore. I'll work that in.

Meeting Dean

The wedding is just a few short weeks away. Yippeee and oh my!! I am very excited to become Dean's wife and stressed out about all the details of the wedding and moving to Wisconsin at the same time. I was under the delusion that a small, simple wedding wouldn't be too difficult to put together or too stressful. Silly me!! No matter the size of the wedding there are still all the same decisions to make and details to attend to... BUT I am thrilled to be planning this day and very grateful for all the help I am receiving from Dean, my mom and my dear friends, Jo and Brenda. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by all the details but that is starting to subside as things are moving into place.

I had no idea that I would be getting married a year and a few months after returning from Ghana. As a matter of fact I if you had asked me back then if I would meet a guy and contemplate marriage, I would have given you an emphatic NO! But things in life change quickly and God seemed to have other plans for me. Don't get me wrong I hoped one day that I would be able to marry again and have the godly, loving marriage I always dreamed of but I had laid that dream down before the Lord and wanted His will alone for my life. I was sure when I did that back in Ghana that I would be single for a long time if not for the rest of my life. Through some ups and downs - even before I left Ghana - God moved me where He wanted me and crossed my path with a wonderful man who loves the Lord dearly.

For those of you who still read this I will share with you how Dean and I met. He tells it so well that I hope I can do it justice. I'll start back a bit before we met. Dean lives about 2 hours from the bar/saloon where we dance and met. He was coming down consistently hoping to meet a woman who enjoyed dancing and wanted a long-term relationship. He was not a believer at this time. A woman caught his eye and he began getting to know her. As they talked over time the conversations became more about God, the Bible and religion in general. At one point she gave him a Bible and told him to read it and it would change his life within two weeks. She said "you will either accept Jesus or reject Him". Dean took the Bible, the first one he had ever owned or read for himself, and starting reading Matthew and John. As he was driving down the road one day, he cried out to the Lord and knew that all he needed was God's love. When Dean gives his testimony he says that a peace washed over him that he had never experienced before and he knew he was a changed man. He shared the good news with the woman who gave him the Bible and my friend, Jo, who he also knew from the dance place. This was back in April of 2008. Dean found a solid church in his home town in Wisconsin and was baptized there in September of 2008. I met him some time in August or September last year. Neither of us knows the exact day or week. Dean said that he was getting tired of driving so far to dance and was ready to give up when Jo told him that her friend who had just gotten back from the mission field was going to come next weekend to dance. As Dean tells it when Jo said that "she is a believer" he decided it was worth another trip down to meet this woman. He says that he had been praying that if God wanted him to meet someone He would have to make it very obvious and drop her in his lap. So we met the next week when I went dancing. Jo wasn't trying to set us up, she was just introducing me to all her friends there. Dean and I danced and talked for a few weeks as I recall and then one night he asked if I would go to dinner or a movie with him. I was pretty straight forward and since I wasn't super interested in dating at that time (there was so much going on in my life) I said "it depends on what your intentions are". I give him credit b/c he didn't turn and run for the hills. These days when he tells the story he says that if he had thought quick enough he would have said that if he was going to marry me some day he would need my phone number. Guess he was taken with me early on. His intentions at that time were to get to know me. So we went out on our first "date" and talked for about 4 hours or so. Needless to say it was very good. B/c he is on the road for his job - he drives a semi- and we live so far apart, most of our relationship for the first several months was by phone. Thank goodness we both had the same cellphone carrier!! We both think the distance was a good thing b/c it required us to talk and learn to communicate well right from the beginning. It took me some time to work through some trust issues and deal with other things going on within me but Dean has been a strong and steady man through it all. I am often amazed at the gift God has given me in him. Now he does drive me crazy at times but most of the time we truly enjoy each other and there is much smiling and laughter. He is quiet at first but very intelligent and deep. He is highly mechanical, can fly an airplane, plays guitar, has a nice singing voice, enjoys NASCAR and racing in general, of course is an excellent dancer for the two-step, etc. and he loves the Lord and reading His word. We have deep, meaningful conversations and then turn around and act like we are 12. It is great fun. We have conflict and work through it, we have differences and are learning to appreciate them. He is kind to me and so very thoughtful. I thank the Lord often for blessing me with Dean. It is not b/c of anything I have done or that I deserve such a good man, but it is by God's grace and goodness alone that I have this gift. I look forward to building a life with him and pray that we are as crazy about each other in 20 years as we are today.

Well sorry if this is too sappy for some of you but other inquiring minds want to know. :)

Oh dear the posts are getting further and further apart. Either I am busy or just not in a writing frame of mind or.... It is probably some of both and other things. I find it hard to write now that I am in the states as compared to when I was in Ghana. So many things were different and interesting there - it was easy to write. But here where most everything is known and comfortable it is much harder to write. There is a lot going on internally but at this time it is too deep and personal to share on a public domain. So I find myself apologizing again for the lack of communication on this front. Updating on facebook is so much easier, isn't it? :)

I will let those of you who are still checking this blog know that I am engaged. Yep... may be hard to believe but it is true. I met a guy last Aug/Sept and we have spent the last 11 months or so getting to know each other. We became "serious" and intentional back in Jan. His name is Dean and I love to tell people that he picked me up in a bar b/c he did!! We both do country dancing and I met him through a mutual friend at the local place where we dance. He is a fantastic 2-stepper and a great lead. Well he can do most any couples country dance and do it well. I love dancing with him. We have a lot in common and the most important thing is that he loves the Lord with all his heart. He is a good, honest, kind man and I am blown away that God crossed our paths. He proposed just about 2 weeks ago and we will be having a small, intimate wedding in Oct. I'll be moving to WI where he now lives once we are married.

So I am sure that is another reason I haven't been writing as much. Well this is just the briefest of updates but at least it is something. I'll try to be better at keeping up!! Blessings.

Wow it has been so very long since I have actually written something meaningful. I don't know that I will break that pattern now but you never know. All I can say is that there is a great amount of internal work going on with me and it is rather raw and painful at this time so it is pretty hard to write about. The last few months have been good in many ways and filled with anxiety and struggle at the same time. I still don't see the direction that my life is to take at this point and that is quite difficult... and yet it is ok. God is at work - in me and around me even if I don't see it clearly. I have been exhorted by two dear friends to focus on two truths concerning the Lord. The first is that God is enough. No matter what I face, what I have lost, what I need... God is enough! The second is that God is good. Again no matter what life and circumstances might be suggesting... God is good! These are the themes that keep coming around in my life. I used to think that I was a slow learner and just wasn't getting it... and maybe in some ways that is true. But I also see how each time the same lesson comes around that it goes a little deeper, another layer of the onion is taken off. This isn't fun. It is painful and frustrating and tiring but in the end it is worth it. Some times I don't want to talk to God at all or read His word or write about anything b/c I am resisting His work or running away or just plain ignoring Him. I don't recommend any of these as they prolong the process. God loves me... and you ... too much to let us wallow in sin and chains that He wants to free us from. Would I like for Him to just break the chains once and for all and not have to deal with it again?? Absolutely!! But we all know that then in my humanness that still torments me, I would not turn to Him in desperation as I do now. I would not cling to Him through the struggle and the pain but would just go on my merry way. I'd like to think that wouldn't be true but I look at my life and the lives of others and it is the way it is. We humans are so prone to wanting to be in control and do for ourselves that when all seems well in our lives we are perfectly happy to let it ride and keep God in the periphery. It is when something painful and tragic happens that we stop for a moment to see what is going on, to hear Him and to finally acknowledge that He wants more than our scraps. So here I am in a rather strange phase of life... working through deep heart issues with Him, wanting to move forward but needing Him to break chains so that I can be free to do so. And oh I want freedom so badly. There is purpose in the struggle. I am finally reminding myself of that. There is purpose in the wrestling. Intimacy with God is there and that is what I long for most of all. It is just my human self wants it to be easy but that is not how it works in a fallen world. For now I cling to the truths that have been brought to my attention... God is enough and God is good. May they both be imbedded on my heart in a new, deeper way so that my mind and life can be transformed for His glory.

Utterly abandoned to the Holy Ghost!
Seeking all His fulness at whatever cost;
Cutting all the shore-lines, launching in the deep
Of His might power - strong to save and keep.

Utterly abandoned to the Holy Ghost!
Oh! the sinking, sinking, until self is lost!
Until the emptied vessel lies broken at His feet;
Waiting till His filling shall make the work complete.

Utterly abandoned to the will of God;
Seeking for no other path than my Master trod;
Leaving ease and pleasure, making Him my choice,
Waiting for His guidance, listening for His voice.

Utterly abandoned! no will of my own;
For time and for eternity, His, and His alone;
All my plans and purposes lost in His sweet will,
Having nothing, yet in Him all things possessing still.

Utterly abandoned! 'tis so sweet to be
Captive in His bonds of love, yet so wondrous free;
Free from sin's entanglements, free from doubt and fear,
Free from every worry, burden, grief or care.

Utterly abandoned! oh, the rest is sweet,
As I tarry, waiting, at His blessed feet;
Waiting for the coming of the Guest divine,
Who my inmost being shall perfectly refine.

Lo! He comes and fills me, Holy Spirit sweet!
I, in Him am satisfied! I, in Him complete!
And the light within my soul shall nevermore grow dim
While I keep my covenant- abandoned unto Him!

Author Unknown

I am sure the few of you who still check my blog have realized that I am not writing that much on it anymore. That trend will probably continue. It isn't that there aren't things going in my life. It is just that most of the things are either too boring or too personal to write about. Not to mention that currently my passion for writing appears to be on sabbatical. I am not sure why but that is the way it is. I hope you aren't too disappointed. I'd be surprised if anyone really is but there may be one or two. Thank you for continuing to check to see if I am writing. Perhaps in the near future something will be burning on my soul that I just have to share with you. Right now life is quiet and most of the work being done is internally - between me and the Lord. Good stuff but I guess I am not ready to share at this time. If I get to that point, I will put it on here. If you want to continue corresponding with me, leave me a comment on this note. God bless and thank you for your interest!

"In the pathway of faith we come to learn that the Lord's thoughts are not our thoughts, nor His ways our ways. Both in the physical and spiritual realm, great pressure means great power! Although circumstances may bring us into the place of death, that need not spell disaster- for if we trust in the Lord and wait patiently, that simply provides the occasion for the display of His almighty power. "Remember his marvelous works that he hath done; his wonders and the judgments of his mouth" (Ps. 105:5) Mrs. Charles E. Cowman, Streams in the Desert.

"In the wilderness shall waters break out, and streams in the desert". (Is. 35:6)

Here's to patiently waiting for the Lord to display His Almighty power in 2009. Happy New Year!

Today I was reading in Luke 19 about Christ's triumphant ride into Jerusalem. It struck me how the crowds that were cheering Him and praising Him as He rode in would soon be the ones screaming "Crucify him" with anger and hatred. I wondered at the turn of their hearts so easily. I wonder if it was b/c Jesus didn't give them what they wanted, what they had set their hearts on and so they turned on Him with a vengeance. The people wanted a savior, not of their souls but to free them from Roman rule, from the uncomfortable situation in which they found themselves. I started thinking about how I do the same thing. How I get an idea or a plan or a dream in my heart and I basically tell God how it should be. Or at least I hold fast to it and don't give the Lord room to work and move as He chooses. And when things don't go the way I have set my heart on them to go, I get angry at God. I, in fact, some times turn on him in anger and rage. Even now as I sit here reading and writing I am struggling with this very thing. My life is not where I thought it would be, some of my dreams - precious ones- have not come true and I find it hard not to turn on God b/c He hasn't done things my way. It is incredibly easy to focus on my feelings, my logic, my plans and the circumstances that surround me and become discouraged or upset. I am not living life as I had planned. Here is a key though to not walking down that road. Focus on the truth's of who God is and hold fast to them. It is one thing to say "I believe God is good and He has a plan for me and He will take care of me" when things are going "my" way. It is a whole other ballgame when I am walking an unfamiliar and even unwanted path. That is when trust and faith really show themselves for what they are. I must cling to the truth that God is good and that His plans for me are for my good and my growth. They are not for what I think they should be - my comfort and happiness. But they are good plans coming from the hand of a good God who loves me like no other. So as this time of uncertainty and the unknown continues, I keep resetting my eyes on the One who holds the future and who loves me perfectly. I must not turn on Him - or turn away from Him - when life doesn't go my way b/c His way is the best way. I can't see what is down the road and what I have planned and think is perfect and wonderful may be way off b/c of my limited vision. God help me to stay focused on You and the truths of who You are so that I can let go of all my plans and dreams and grab on to what You have for me.

Wow it has been a very long time since I have written anything on here. I guess maybe it is because there isn't anything profound going on at this time. I haven't traveled anywhere since the end of Oct., I haven't had any major revelations regarding the future and what God wants me to do next, and it is cold in Chicago so I am not real excited about getting out and doing new things. :) But I will say that I have had some wonderful times with family - like Thanksgiving - and am so thankful to be re-establishing and growing friendships. I also have time to spend with the Lord and that is the biggest blessing of all. Not saying that I always use my time wisely but I am grateful for this time of life as strange and uncertain as it is. Well that is it for now I am sorry to tell you. Hopefully next time I write I will have something to say. :) Merry Christmas if I don't "talk" to you before then.

My awful, beautiful life...and some perspective

"I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautful life" by Darryl Worley

I love the words to this song b/c it is a true representation of how life really is - ups and downs, twists and turns, tragic and magic side by side. (Of course magic in my mind is the work of the Lord but it rhymes with tragic). I have been back in the states for 4 months and it has been a whirlwind. Most of the time I have been traveling around the states visiting supporters, friends and prayer partners. It has been wonderful and tiring at the same time. When I am back in IL, I stay with my parents which has been an incredible blessing. Although at this moment I am sleeping on a mattress on the floor of the dining room b/c the basement where I usually stay is under major reconstruction due to water issues and mold. Sometimes I wake up and think..."seriously, this is my life???" The Lord has such a sense of humor. But then other times I think about what a special time in my life this is and that it won't be this way forever. I am finding that living in the uncertainty and wide open space that is my future is both scary and exhilarating. There are of course ribbons of fear that float through my mind as I look at how I am living, where I am living, the economy, the future, etc. etc. But when I keep focused on some basic truths those fears fade and I am able to embrace this season of life and even enjoy it. Of course some of you are thinking..."what's not to enjoy? Not working a regular job (i do work by the way), being able to travel, freedom, etc. Of course you should enjoy it". Well it isn't as easy as it might seem but you know "the grass is always greener" so I am not going to argue the point. More importantly are the truths that I have been trying to stay focused on. The Lord is my Blessed Controller - as coined in "Calm My Anxious Heart". He is at work, He is sovereign, He is in control no matter what circumstances might suggest. Staying focused on His character instead of circumstances is key b/c circumstances are always changing and we usually have a fairly skewed perspective of them anyways. The Lord is good, the Lord loves me, the Lord has promised to care for me and above all He has promised to never leave me. That is rock solid truth when all around is shifting sand and uncertain. And finally I am really trying to stay content with where I am at right now. When I am discontent with the portion the Lord has given me I get anxious, irritable, even angry. I look around and want what others have - while they are looking at me and wanting what I have - and it breeds worry and anxiety and discontentment. This is a hard one for me b/c I am in a waiting period, a "be still" period, and that is not a comfortable place to be. As a human and an American, my value in the world's eyes (even most Christian's eyes) is based on what I am doing. And if I am not doing something that looks "normal" or productive from those eyes then value is decreased. This can happen from others...and also from within myself. I personally think it is a lovely tool of the devil to keep me from obeying the Lord and waiting on Him with patience and rest. An anxious heart is one that can't hear the Lord and won't obey. It is one that is trying to be in control and direct life. Since this is not where I want to be, I spend a good bit of time reminding myself of the truths mentioned above...the Lord is good, the Lord is in control, the Lord is working on my behalf, the Lord is with me.

Perspective comes in funny ways sometimes. Recently it came to me while I was flying from College Station, Texas to Dallas. It is a very short trip by plane (about 40 minutes) and we flew at a relatively low altitude (about 18,000 feet). From that vantage point I could clearly see the land below as we sailed over it. I love looking at farmland. When I am driving through the heartland of America, seeing the farms and fields is one of my favorite things. There is a unique yearning that I feel when I see the beauty of the land like that...a well kept little white farm house with a big porch, the sturdy barn and silo sitting close by, a neatly landscaped yard around the buildings and the vast spread of the pastures and crops enclosing it all. I love it. I see it and I want to be in that picture. But I can only see small portions of this at any given point when I am driving. From the airplane I could see for miles upon miles the land below. I could see how clearly outlined the fields and pastures are, how the roads and driveways snake around, how perfectly straight the rows of crops have been laid...I could see how all these farms and homes and roads and rivers and forests lay together and are intertwined. I can't do that from the ground. I can only see a couple of them at a time. As I was flying and thinking about my awful, beautiful life it struck me that I was having the tiniest glimpse of how things might be with the Lord and my life. I look out from my limited vantage point on the ground and all I can see is the 1 or 2 steps in front of me. But the Lord is eternal and sees my whole life from beginning to end. He sees what is next and when it is coming. He has the whole spread before Him - just like I did looking down from the plane. Sometimes I think that the road I am on will go on this way forever with no twists or turns to break it up...and other times I am wanting for the twists and turns to stop so I can just go on a straight stretch for awhile and have a break. Right now I appear to be on a straight stretch and sometimes it looks like it will go on forever with no change to this strange life I am living. But I was reminded in that plane that God sees it all. He knows that just down the road there is going to be a turn, that He will be guiding me in a new direction (as He already is). I can't see it from down here, but He can. So once again I come back to reminding myself that He is in control, He is working on my behalf, that this time is precious though challenging and that what I am learning by walking through this with Him will help me when that turn comes and more uncertainty will follow. I want to trust the Lord so completely that I don't need to know what is next and I don't need to panic in the moment. I want to live that fully abandoned to Him, unchoreographed life that is anchored in trust in His character, not fear in my circumstances. I have a long way to go...a lifetime to go I am sure...but that is my heart's desire. The journey, I am slowly getting, is the important part not just the destination. It is in the journey that I learn to trust Him, to cling to Him and to let Him lead. Not rushing through the process to achieve the end is not easy to do b/c the process is usually relatively uncomfortable and the end looks so much more inviting. But if I rush through the hard part, I miss the sweet part of seeing Him work...in me, through me, around me...I miss the "magic" and mystery that He is and I miss the very special and intimate moments that are for me and Him alone. Ah Lord, help me in the uncomfortable, in the painful to cling to Truth, to grab hold of who you are, to trust your unchanging character...to rest in you through this awful, beautiful life.

I have been traveling again. Just back from Texas. I hope to post a "real" update very soon!!!