Wow it has been so very long since I have actually written something meaningful. I don't know that I will break that pattern now but you never know. All I can say is that there is a great amount of internal work going on with me and it is rather raw and painful at this time so it is pretty hard to write about. The last few months have been good in many ways and filled with anxiety and struggle at the same time. I still don't see the direction that my life is to take at this point and that is quite difficult... and yet it is ok. God is at work - in me and around me even if I don't see it clearly. I have been exhorted by two dear friends to focus on two truths concerning the Lord. The first is that God is enough. No matter what I face, what I have lost, what I need... God is enough! The second is that God is good. Again no matter what life and circumstances might be suggesting... God is good! These are the themes that keep coming around in my life. I used to think that I was a slow learner and just wasn't getting it... and maybe in some ways that is true. But I also see how each time the same lesson comes around that it goes a little deeper, another layer of the onion is taken off. This isn't fun. It is painful and frustrating and tiring but in the end it is worth it. Some times I don't want to talk to God at all or read His word or write about anything b/c I am resisting His work or running away or just plain ignoring Him. I don't recommend any of these as they prolong the process. God loves me... and you ... too much to let us wallow in sin and chains that He wants to free us from. Would I like for Him to just break the chains once and for all and not have to deal with it again?? Absolutely!! But we all know that then in my humanness that still torments me, I would not turn to Him in desperation as I do now. I would not cling to Him through the struggle and the pain but would just go on my merry way. I'd like to think that wouldn't be true but I look at my life and the lives of others and it is the way it is. We humans are so prone to wanting to be in control and do for ourselves that when all seems well in our lives we are perfectly happy to let it ride and keep God in the periphery. It is when something painful and tragic happens that we stop for a moment to see what is going on, to hear Him and to finally acknowledge that He wants more than our scraps. So here I am in a rather strange phase of life... working through deep heart issues with Him, wanting to move forward but needing Him to break chains so that I can be free to do so. And oh I want freedom so badly. There is purpose in the struggle. I am finally reminding myself of that. There is purpose in the wrestling. Intimacy with God is there and that is what I long for most of all. It is just my human self wants it to be easy but that is not how it works in a fallen world. For now I cling to the truths that have been brought to my attention... God is enough and God is good. May they both be imbedded on my heart in a new, deeper way so that my mind and life can be transformed for His glory.