"I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautful life" by Darryl Worley
I love the words to this song b/c it is a true representation of how life really is - ups and downs, twists and turns, tragic and magic side by side. (Of course magic in my mind is the work of the Lord but it rhymes with tragic). I have been back in the states for 4 months and it has been a whirlwind. Most of the time I have been traveling around the states visiting supporters, friends and prayer partners. It has been wonderful and tiring at the same time. When I am back in IL, I stay with my parents which has been an incredible blessing. Although at this moment I am sleeping on a mattress on the floor of the dining room b/c the basement where I usually stay is under major reconstruction due to water issues and mold. Sometimes I wake up and think..."seriously, this is my life???" The Lord has such a sense of humor. But then other times I think about what a special time in my life this is and that it won't be this way forever. I am finding that living in the uncertainty and wide open space that is my future is both scary and exhilarating. There are of course ribbons of fear that float through my mind as I look at how I am living, where I am living, the economy, the future, etc. etc. But when I keep focused on some basic truths those fears fade and I am able to embrace this season of life and even enjoy it. Of course some of you are thinking..."what's not to enjoy? Not working a regular job (i do work by the way), being able to travel, freedom, etc. Of course you should enjoy it". Well it isn't as easy as it might seem but you know "the grass is always greener" so I am not going to argue the point. More importantly are the truths that I have been trying to stay focused on. The Lord is my Blessed Controller - as coined in "Calm My Anxious Heart". He is at work, He is sovereign, He is in control no matter what circumstances might suggest. Staying focused on His character instead of circumstances is key b/c circumstances are always changing and we usually have a fairly skewed perspective of them anyways. The Lord is good, the Lord loves me, the Lord has promised to care for me and above all He has promised to never leave me. That is rock solid truth when all around is shifting sand and uncertain. And finally I am really trying to stay content with where I am at right now. When I am discontent with the portion the Lord has given me I get anxious, irritable, even angry. I look around and want what others have - while they are looking at me and wanting what I have - and it breeds worry and anxiety and discontentment. This is a hard one for me b/c I am in a waiting period, a "be still" period, and that is not a comfortable place to be. As a human and an American, my value in the world's eyes (even most Christian's eyes) is based on what I am doing. And if I am not doing something that looks "normal" or productive from those eyes then value is decreased. This can happen from others...and also from within myself. I personally think it is a lovely tool of the devil to keep me from obeying the Lord and waiting on Him with patience and rest. An anxious heart is one that can't hear the Lord and won't obey. It is one that is trying to be in control and direct life. Since this is not where I want to be, I spend a good bit of time reminding myself of the truths mentioned above...the Lord is good, the Lord is in control, the Lord is working on my behalf, the Lord is with me.
Perspective comes in funny ways sometimes. Recently it came to me while I was flying from College Station, Texas to Dallas. It is a very short trip by plane (about 40 minutes) and we flew at a relatively low altitude (about 18,000 feet). From that vantage point I could clearly see the land below as we sailed over it. I love looking at farmland. When I am driving through the heartland of America, seeing the farms and fields is one of my favorite things. There is a unique yearning that I feel when I see the beauty of the land like that...a well kept little white farm house with a big porch, the sturdy barn and silo sitting close by, a neatly landscaped yard around the buildings and the vast spread of the pastures and crops enclosing it all. I love it. I see it and I want to be in that picture. But I can only see small portions of this at any given point when I am driving. From the airplane I could see for miles upon miles the land below. I could see how clearly outlined the fields and pastures are, how the roads and driveways snake around, how perfectly straight the rows of crops have been laid...I could see how all these farms and homes and roads and rivers and forests lay together and are intertwined. I can't do that from the ground. I can only see a couple of them at a time. As I was flying and thinking about my awful, beautiful life it struck me that I was having the tiniest glimpse of how things might be with the Lord and my life. I look out from my limited vantage point on the ground and all I can see is the 1 or 2 steps in front of me. But the Lord is eternal and sees my whole life from beginning to end. He sees what is next and when it is coming. He has the whole spread before Him - just like I did looking down from the plane. Sometimes I think that the road I am on will go on this way forever with no twists or turns to break it up...and other times I am wanting for the twists and turns to stop so I can just go on a straight stretch for awhile and have a break. Right now I appear to be on a straight stretch and sometimes it looks like it will go on forever with no change to this strange life I am living. But I was reminded in that plane that God sees it all. He knows that just down the road there is going to be a turn, that He will be guiding me in a new direction (as He already is). I can't see it from down here, but He can. So once again I come back to reminding myself that He is in control, He is working on my behalf, that this time is precious though challenging and that what I am learning by walking through this with Him will help me when that turn comes and more uncertainty will follow. I want to trust the Lord so completely that I don't need to know what is next and I don't need to panic in the moment. I want to live that fully abandoned to Him, unchoreographed life that is anchored in trust in His character, not fear in my circumstances. I have a long way to go...a lifetime to go I am sure...but that is my heart's desire. The journey, I am slowly getting, is the important part not just the destination. It is in the journey that I learn to trust Him, to cling to Him and to let Him lead. Not rushing through the process to achieve the end is not easy to do b/c the process is usually relatively uncomfortable and the end looks so much more inviting. But if I rush through the hard part, I miss the sweet part of seeing Him work...in me, through me, around me...I miss the "magic" and mystery that He is and I miss the very special and intimate moments that are for me and Him alone. Ah Lord, help me in the uncomfortable, in the painful to cling to Truth, to grab hold of who you are, to trust your unchanging character...to rest in you through this awful, beautiful life.
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