A hard few weeks

I haven't written much in awhile - at least nothing personal. You will find the reason(s) for that as you continue reading. I have been dealing with a severe case of culture stress. Culture stress is one of those things that goes through phases but not in a direct line and some times a person can circle back on a phase. This time I was caught very unaware and hit broadside by the intensity of the stress. For about 3-4 weeks I have been feeling extremely sad and homesick, angry and irritable, finding little joy in almost everything. I have felt insecure and afraid, a strong dislike for this place the Lord has called me to, and yes, questioning whether or not I made the right decision to come here and should I stay here. All these things were building up so much in me that I thought I couldn't stand it one more minute. Those around me knew something was wrong but most couldn't put a finger on it - neither did I. I knew I was tired from dealing with all the sickness in my house since Jan. and I was stressed from planning this conference that we had here recently but I didn't realize that underneath it all was culture stress. I guess I thought that I had already gone through this phase and was moving on. Not quite right. I am in what is referred to as the distress phase or the disintegration phase. Nice words, huh? That's about how it feels. On top of all this is something I know I have felt strongly but haven't really stopped to assess or deal with and that is "self-shock". Otherwise known as a major identity crisis. I will quote an article that helped me understand what I have been experiencing. "Like many transitions in life we frequently ask ourselves "who am I?" But unlike the transitions we face at home, moving to a new cultural environment can turn from culture shock to "self-shock". Imagine for a moment other changes and transitions you have faced in your lifetime. All the while, you were surrounded by family, friends, colleagues and a community that, in effect, helped you find the answer to "who am I?" by sharing societal norms and standards. While you wrestled with the change, you were able to look at and tap into what was commonly understood and acceptable all around you. At home we have a mirror which helps to validate and re-affirm us. Within a new environment, the mirror no longer exists. So, at a time when you are seeking the answer to the "who am I?" question, your surroundings are asking "who are you?"."

This has taken its toll on me. I have realized bits and pieces but more of the whole is coming together. I noticed a long time ago that Ghanaians respond to certain people more readily than others. Way back at the beginning of living here I saw that when my roommate, Margaret, and I went out together Ghanaians were drawn to her quickly. Now apart from the fact that she is beautiful it was more a personality trait that caused it. Ghana is a land where most people are very passionate, loud, gregarious and outgoing. I am - at first, until I get to know someone - a reserved, shy, observing person. See the struggle already. My passion, humor, excitement, etc. doesn't reveal itself immediately - even in America. It comes later. I have been struggling with how to fit into this culture. Do I try to change the way God has wired me so that I am liked and connect to people here more quickly? Do I go with the way God has wired me and trust him to build relationships in time? Is there something in the middle that I can adapt to without losing who I have been created to be? These are hard questions in any part of life and I am finding them very hard to answer and figure out in the middle of a culture that is so vastly different from my own. And not only is the culture different from America but my personality style is very different from here. This is the "self-shock" or identity crisis that has been going on inside me though not always acknowledged.

What are some of the results of this prolonged emotional, mental and even physical stress? Here are a few - fatigue, susceptibility to illness, irritability, sadness, uncertainty, discouragement, homesickness, lack of joy, fear, - just to name a few. This is how I have been feeling for about 3-4 weeks. Because I couldn't name it and figure out where it all was coming from, I couldn't really speak about it or write about it. I have been meeting with someone who "specializes" in working with missionaries who suffer from culture stress all the way to those who have gone through traumatic events on the field. It has helped tremendously. Can culture stress be avoided? NO. There is always stress in life and there is always stress in trying to adjust to a new culture. The key is managing the stress - decreasing it to a level where I can live without being distressed, where I can thrive and not just survive. I haven't been taking these steps b/c - surprisingly to me - I didn't realize what was going on. I am exhausted and now I know why. "Uninterrupted stress of enough intensity leads to exhaustion sooner or later in most individuals." I am there!

So what can be done? Well writing this to you is a step. Meeting with a specialist is a step. Recognizing what - at least in part - is going on is a step. Other steps will include being patient with myself as I navigate these things. I need to work into my schedule times of respite and being alone with God. Not just a short time of devotions but some real time away. That may be simply going to a nearby pool for a few hours to sit and read and look at the beauty of God's creation there. It may be going away for a day or two periodically. Real Sabbath time. It certainly means communicating with those I work with and share life with. For me it really involves looking at who I am and what I will allow to be changed in me. "Acculturation inherently involves changes in your personality, so determine the unchangeables." Living in a new and vastly different culture will change me. It already has in many ways but it will change me more if I am willing and if I want to thrive here for two more years. This point will be challenging for me. As one who has spent much of her life rearranging who she is to please someone, I am extremely sensitive to doing that anymore. But often the pendulum swings too far in the other direction and so somehow there is a good middle ground that can be found. It will take some time and some work to find that middle ground.

And the most important thing of all is clinging to the Lord. Perhaps that is part of the reason I am here - to learn to cling to him when all my normal or favorite things are back home, when my usual resources for coping are gone, when everything is different and little is comfortable. Will I still cling to him now? Is my faith in him real or was it only there when I was on the mountain top? Do I still believe that He is the same God now - in the valley - that He was when I was filled with peace and joy not just one year ago? It seems to always come back to this for me. Do I really believe what His Word says about Him when all that I am seeing and feeling and experiencing says otherwise? Is the promise of His presence with me enough in this dark time?

Jeremy Camp has a great song that addresses this very question. He wrote it after his young wife passed away. This is just the chorus below.

"I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe"

That last line is the one that I cling to and repeat over and over. Crying out to the Lord to help me in my doubt and fear and pain - and homesickness. Even when I don't see, I still believe.

I ask you to pray for me as I navigate these waters. Recognition has helped immensely but there is still much to deal with on a daily basis. Thank you for your prayers and support.