Complete ramble

So I have been in the states not quite 3 months yet. It feels like it has been so much longer than that. I am happy to say that the intense anxiety and uneasyness that I was experiencing my first 4-5 weeks here has subsided. Of course that doesn't mean that everything is "in place" and I have all the answers but I can at least go to the mall now and actually buy something without being dazed and confused:) There are things that pop up in my mind at the strangest times that I imagine will always be there - or at least I hope they stay there...and that is the conflict in my mind about how we live in America and how much of the rest of the world lives. Well I guess I can only speak for the parts of Africa that I have lived in as a child and adult but you get what I mean. I am driving around the North Shore suburbia where I live currently and it is so beautiful. Pretty much every yard is perfectly manicured and landscaped, simple strip malls are done in amazing brick and stone with big, fancy entryways...everything is so beautiful and well done. And you know what - I love it. It is so pretty to look at and I often drive around just to see the laid out beauty and then the thought will hit me that much of the rest of the world doesn't live like this. I think of my neighborhood in Ghana where the people live in tiny shacks stacked on top of each other with not much of a yard at all to speak of and if there is some space it is pretty much dirt b/c there isn't money to spend on landscaping, etc. Their lives are centered around existing. These are the thoughts that go through my mind and similar thoughts hit me when I go shopping or eat out or whatever. The dilemma is what to do with these thoughts. One option would be to just shove them away and try to live in ignorance. Another option would be to let the thoughts overwhelm me and cause guilt every time I buy something or enjoy something nice, etc. Personally I am not too excited about either of those options so I look to a third which is much more nebulous but nonetheless viable. I don't want to live with continual guilt and I am pretty sure God doesn't want me to either, but nor do I want to ignore what I have experienced and been exposed to. So what is the third option? Good question. I don't really have a wonderful answer - nor do most of the people that I have talked with about this. Right now when these thoughts come to mind, I sit with them and think about them and talk to God about them. It is once again holding conflicting thoughts in tandem and not supressing or elevating one against the other. The truth is is that we have many wonderful and beautiful things here in America and I don't believe that it is wrong to enjoy them. At the same time we have so much more than those around the world and I keep that in mind as I choose how to spend the money God has blessed me with. I hope that the thoughts provoke me to pray for those who are suffering and barely surviving. I hope that I stop and think and pray before I casually spend money just b/c I can. I hope that overall the experience that I have had of living in a third world culture stays with me throughout my life and impacts my thinking and spending and living in such a way to make me a good steward and yet be able to enjoy the gifts God has given - even something as simple as pretty farmland.

I think that what I have found most challenging to live with is how our lives here are designed towards convenience and how the lives of those I lived near in Ghana are designed for daily survival. Now don't get me wrong there are people who are struggling in the states and there are people in Ghana who are very rich but I am talking about the majority in both areas. And don't think that I don't enjoy the conveniences we have in America. I do. It is just that again it makes me stop and think for a moment about how differently we live from much of the rest of the world. I think this is one of the reasons that a friend said that living abroad "ruins you" for living back in America. Especially living somewhere like Ghana as opposed to Europe. I can't simply squelch what I see and think about the differences. Anyway, just rambling thoughts on this. I certainly don't have it all figured out and so I often ask myself "how does one live here again?"

On a completely different subject...I love fall weather. This is the warmest fall season that I can remember in a long time. I hope that means that winter will be nice too! But all this week it has been in the 70's here and sunny. Usually it is cooler - like the 50's and 60's but still nice. We can still wear shorts and t-shirts which is really rare for this time of year. It is almost October already! And the trees are changing colors in an interesting pattern. I remember that generally they all change fairly close to each other so that the landscape is filled with colors of orange, yellow, red and all shades in between. Just breathtaking. But so far this year it has come in stages so that most of the trees are still green with a fire red or bright orange tree scattered between. Still very nice and I am glad to be here to see it. Of course winter is just around the corner. Ugh - how will I survive it? I am so glad that my warm winter coat was waiting for me here:)

And on yet another different subject...for those of you who don't travel much outside the US I just want you to know that the airlines do a really good job with security for planes coming directly to the states from another country. I don't know if you read about the security measures I went through when leaving Ghana to fly into NY but it was basically the same thing coming back from Brazil. I didn't get the several pat downs like I did coming from Ghana but my carry on was thoroughly checked about 3 times. They really have it down. After all the typical screening we were headed down the gang plank to the plane when the moving line came to a complete stand still for several minutes. There were about 4-5 security agents in the little hallway thing just before getting on the plane making us finish our drinks, opening our carry ons and answering more questions. But the good news is that they are being very careful about planes that fly straight into America from other countries. Today I fly to Memphis from O'hare and it will be nice and easy in comparison. I know it is strange to most people but I really like being at O'hare. I have this little pre-flight routine of getting there early and getting a little snack, maybe finding a good paperback and then just people watching. For some reason I really enjoy the anonymity in the midst of hundreds of people there. I don't appreciate that everywhere just at the airport. How strange am I? :) Why did I just write all that? Hmmm....don't know but there it is. Writer's privilege I guess:)

All the chistles I've dulled carving idols of stone
That have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves.
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand just to watch, them all wash away.

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To one who sees past all I see.
And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea.
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly for a faith
To be faithful to me.

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To one who sees past all I see.
And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
You're the only one who's faithful to me!

by Jennifer Knapp

Well, I have officially resigned from HCJB Global. It was a tough decision but I believe it is the right one. It may be hard to understand why I would resign from there when I don't have something "concrete" to go to but that is how it is. I don't know exactly what God wants me to do at this time but I strongly felt that He was telling me "no" to working with HCJB at headquarters. There were several good opportunities for working there and I leave with no regrets or hard feelings of any kind...I just needed to leave. I am sure many of you have come to a point in your life with something where you knew you were not to go in a certain direction even if the rest of the decision wasn't clear. That is where I am at. Now I am waiting to hear from the Lord regarding what He wants me to do and making the decisions that come before me each step along the way. My last day with HCJB will be Oct. 31 and after that....well that hasn't been revealed yet but so far God is bolstering my faith in Him - to trust Him with my future and all the details that are involved with it. He is the Lover of my soul and I am His Beloved. I will trust Him with my life. (some days I do better with that than others but that is my aim and goal). If God lays it on your heart to pray for me, I ask that you would pray for me to trust Him completely and to not fear! Thank you!!

Today I just want to write about how thankful I am to the Lord for so many people He has placed in my life. I have some really amazing girlfriends. Some are older than me, some younger; some married, some single; some I have known for years, some only a short time. I won't even try to name them but I thank the Lord for them. Throughout this time of decision making, struggle and transition I have been blessed to have women to talk to who are understanding, wise and encouraging...and yes challenging too. God has also blessed me with some kind men who have cared for me and encouraged me in many ways. I was sitting here thinking about how many simple kindnesses I have received just since I have been home. I can't even tell you how many times I have been taken out to eat! That is a real blessing and enjoyment to me. So today I just thank the Lord for friends - on both sides of the ocean!

Friends from Ghana in America!

Magaret (my roommate in Ghana) and me at Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs after our debriefing.











Sherri Paulson - who works with SIM in Ghana and me.













Sherri, Margaret, Margaret's friend, Marley, and me on the architectural river boat tour in down town Chicago. (I highly recommend it if you get to Chicago - in the summer!)


Sherri, Margaret and I spent many hours together at our house in Ghana. It was really neat to be able to spend time with them here in the states.

I realize that I haven't written much that would be considered "substantial" in quite some time. There is just too much going on in my heart and mind to write about yet. It has to gel and be processed before I can put it into coherent sentences. Hopefully soon I'll write a bit about the debriefing and where the Lord is leading me next. Plus all the traveling I have been doing is counterproductive for me in the writing realm but my traveling is done for now as far as I can tell so the writing should come more easily:)

Pictures from Brazil

Downtown Campinas - about 2 hours from Sao Paulo. This is the city where the wedding was held. Can you see the McDonald's sign in the middle? Ah American fast food is everywhere. There was also Burger King and Pizza Hut. We passed and enjoyed real and amazing Brazilian foods.






Sunset from our hotel on Ilhabela - an island about 3.5 hours from Sao Paulo. Unspeakably beautiful. I think I could live there...oh yeah it was just a vacation:) Gotta wake up!









We drove for many kilometers on a dirt/mud road to get to the actual beaches. It was way too cold for this girl to even put on shorts but still very pretty. The food - again- was excellent.











This is the little town of Ilhabela. I enjoyed driving all over the island and a big part of Brazil. The hardest part - after driving in Ghana - was trying to dicipher the road signs that were all written in Portugese. Not an easy task. But I have to say that we found the men and women there incredibly friendly and helpful. People helped us with directions, buying things, etc. etc. They did it with smiles and really pleasant attitudes. It was very nice.











This is a picture of one of the poorer settlements around Sao Paulo. I believe I was told that it is a city of 10-12 million people and has more street kids than any other city in the world. A whole different world from Ilhabela.