Tough words from the book "Dangerous Surrender" by Kay Warren

I have been reading this book, Dangerous Surrender, and it has been really challenging me. Actually in some parts it has just flat out slapped me in the face - which I am sorry to confess - I needed. The first part is on the depth of selfishness that abounds in me and the second is on what true surrender to God looks like. I will quote some passages from the book b/c frankly it is written so well and so powerfully there is no need to change it.

"I, like many other adults, devote a fair amount of time, energy, and money to controlling, polishing, protecting, and defending my own private little kingdom. My greatest efforts every day go toward myself. (Ouch! - but true). Even when I'm occupied with taking care of others, the meter is always running as I inwardly take notice of the hours I've spent, the energy I've expended, and the sacrifices I've made. I find myself gleeful when I am able to kill two birds (or more) with one stone by doing something for someone else (making myself look good) while doing something for me at the same time. At the end of the day, I do a final tally to see if others have done as much for me as I've done for them. If they haven't, then I am hurt, disappointed, frustrated, offended, demanding, and angry. Sometimes I withdraw from relationships because, according to my internal calculator, I'm giving more than I'm getting back." To quote Fenelon in the book - "your self-love is terribly touchy. No matter how slightly it is insulted, it screams, 'Murderer.'" Sometimes God uses books to reveal to me the ugliness of my own sin and selfishness. It isn't pretty and the revelation process isn't fun, but it is needed so desperately. Some of you will think that the mere fact that I am living in Ghana as a missionary exempts me from selfishness or at least shows that I have it under control. Sorry to tell you that it just isn't true. The sins that plagued me in Chicago, plague me here. Fortunately, the grace of God that abounded to me in Chicago, also abounds to me here:) The first step is to see the ugliness of the sin, the next step is to ask for forgiveness and surrender my life and will to Him...again.

Speaking of surrender, I noticed while reading that selfishness and the desire to control my own life can easily seep into surrender. I think I have surrendered to God but I have put conditions on Him. Read what Warren quoted from Fenelon in the book.

"God prepares a cross for you that you must embrace without thought of self-preservation. The cross is painful. Accept the cross and you will find peace even in the middle of turmoil." Gary Thomas says "I learned that faith isn't tested by how often God answers my prayers with a yes but by my willingness to continue serving him and thanking him, even when I don't have a clue as to what he is doing." And Warren also writes, "for you to become a seriously disturbed, surrendered person of faith, you will have to be willing to say yes in advance - to give God your answer before you've heard the question." (all italics mine for emphasis) That is the hard part - giving full surrender to whatever HE wants without trying to protect myself (or my stuff) or saying "I'll do this, but not this" or the really hard part - complete abandon to His plan and will before I have any idea of what He is asking me to do or to surrender.

All these amazing challenges have been laid before me and I have only finished the second chapter. Kay Warren says that each chapter gets harder. Hmmm what an invitation:) But actually it is a good invitation - hard as it may be to read. I'd rather go through the struggle now than sit "comfortably" on the sidelines and miss out on what He has for me to do. Of course in the moment of pain and surrender it isn't too easy to say that but deep down that is the truth.

Luke 9:23-25 - Jesus is speaking to his disciples - "And He was saying to them all, 'If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life shall lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it. For what is a man profited if he gains the whole world, and loses or forfeits himself?'

My prayer is to lay down the Kingdom of Me and surrender completely, in every way and every aspect of my being to the Kingdom of God. A lofty prayer I know but as I read in Luke it is nothing less than what is required to follow Christ. Please pray with me to make this a reality in the daily activities of life.