Once again the lyrics of a song reflect well what is going on within me. As the time for me to leave Ghana draws closer and closer, my heart is a little heavier and the emotions are sitting right at the surface. Is it possible to be actually torn in two by conflicting emotions? Excitement and sadness, anticipation and fear, peace and doubt, eagerness and uncertainty...all jumbled together. I am so glad that God can make sense of that jumble and comfort me in just the way that is needed at the moment. I certainly don't have all the answers as to why I am leaving...at all, now...but He does. I will probably never know all the reasons, maybe some of them but He is trustworthy and faithful so I leave the whys with Him. Somewhere down the road it will make sense.

"Why, why, why
Does it go this way
Why, why, why
And all I can say is

Somewhere down the road
There'll be answers to the questions
Somewhere down the road
Though we cannot see it now
Somewhere down the road
You will find mighty arms reaching for you
And they will hold the answers at the end of the road"

Amy Grant

I am sure many of you can see by now that most of my thinking and writing comes in the morning. I just wake up with thoughts flowing through my mind. Probably too tired in the evening to put a coherent sentence together.

Yesterday Michelle and I went to the pool together at a near-by hotel. No kids, no visitors, just me and her. Very nice and relaxing. I will miss being able to pay a day rate to go to these nice hotel pools and hang out for the day. It has become something special to me and usually I find it very relaxing. Yesterday most of our time there was relaxing until this young Ghanaian man came in and caused a ruckus. Apparently the day rate had gone up one cedi since the last time he had been at this pool and he didn't know it. So he comes in and the female attendant is busy with someone else but instead of waiting his turn, he plops down the amount he used to pay and just heads on in. Well one of the male attendants comes running after him and in an incredibly loud voice tells the guy - I'll call him Mr. Joe Cool as he thought he was - that he owes a cedi. Now typically in American culture this would have been handled quietly and discreetly to not disturb the other patrons or embarrass Mr. Joe Cool. But we are in Ghana and most things are discussed at a very high volume - and this was no exception. Mr. Joe Cool and the attendant begin and carry on a loud, raging verbal battle about 20 feet from me and Michelle...for about 20 minutes. No joke. Even after the attendant walks away, Mr. Joe Cool continues defending his rather inflated ego by retelling the story to anyone who walks by and will listen..or even won't listen. All about saving face. It finally comes down to the point that Mr. Cool has to pay the extra cedi or leave. He doesn't appear to have the cedi and continues ranting even though it is abundantly clear to all that he is in the wrong. I was just about to stand up - in my direct American way- and offer him two cedis if he would just shut up and swim. But he decided to leave. Ah, peace and quiet again. And only Michelle heard my brilliant offer. Surprise, surprise, after causing all this trouble and such a scene, Mr. Cool comes back, pays his cedi and starts swimming. Fortunately he did all this with his mouth closed and I for one appreciated that greatly. I must say I was mildly impressed that he had the gumption to come back after all that went on.

On the flip side, as I was people watching like I like to do, I saw this beautiful family scene. A Ghanaian man, his European wife and their two children. It was precious to see them swimming together, sitting on the swing eating ice cream and just in general watching the man be so tender and affectionate with the little boys. I have noticed it repeatedly while being here that Ghanaian men are quite involved with their young children and seem to be gentle with them. Every time I see it I am impressed and touched. I don't remember men doing that in Liberia and honestly even in the states as much as here. There seems to be a real involvement and protection over the children. It is most evident to me when I watch my gardener, Joseph, with his little boy and girl. Sometimes Aisha will come with him to work and he feeds her and watches her while still doing what he needs to do until she falls asleep on the porch. Or I will go by his bicycle stand and see him watching both children while his wife goes to visit or shop or whatever. If little Michael runs in the street or starts grabbing Joseph's tools, he just calmly redirects him. I don't recall seeing anyone really beating their children here like I remember happening in Liberia. Anyway...I wish I had had my camera with me yesterday b/c I would have loved to have taken some pictures of this family. Last week I had my camera b/c I anticipated taking pictures of me and Sherri but ended up mostly taking pictures of the Black Stars:) Regardless, the pictures of these scenes are in my mind.

rambling morning thoughts

Strange how quickly emotions rise and fall. Yesterday I wrote about how saying good-bye to a couple of friends was relatively easy b/c I will see them in the states. This morning I woke up and wandered around the house that now has empty rooms and stuff to be packed everywhere and I missed Margaret...and I missed Eva even though I haven't left yet. All this was triggered by looking out the kitchen window and seeing Cat curled up in a ball in the sun. She looked so cute. She waits for me by the window most mornings to throw her out some bread crumbs or something. It is our routine. When I come home and open the gate she is there waiting for me and if I make a particular "sst" sound she knows to follow and I will go get her something to eat. If I don't make it then she just looks at me and goes back to sleep. All this to say that suddenly this morning I am filled with a sadness to leave Ghana...and a bit of trepidation of what might be coming. I get that melancholy feeling about leaving what is now familiar even though often still uncomfortable. Familiarity is a big theme in my life I am seeing more and more. Maybe it is routine. It gives a sense of stability, sameness, consistency in a world where these things are often lacking. I'll be leaving this routine and living in a "chaotic" phase for awhile when I get back home. Chaotic in the sense that no routines will be in place and may take some time to establish since I don't know exactly what I will be doing or where I will be living long-term. For my personality style this is a challenge. But it is good for me also. It helps me to grow and expand my horizons. It certainly helps me to rely on the Lord for never changing stability and consistency.

I just wanted to share what floated through my mind this morning. I see that as the time to leave gets closer the excitement of returning home (while still there in great degree) is being somewhat tempered by the sadness of leaving Ghana and friends here. This past Thursday my team here and a few other friends had a farewell for me. Our director from the US was in Accra and won't be here when I leave so we had the party early. It was very nice and low key - which I was grateful for b/c emotions were closer to the surface than I care to admit:) I think that party has triggered the reality of leaving as the time is drawing close. All of a sudden I think - briefly - "this is so great, why am I leaving again"? But I haven't forgotten why and I am still certain it is the right thing. It's just the reality and challenge of saying good bye. And who knows...maybe I will come back and visit one day. That would be nice. I guess I will be leaving a bit of my heart in Ghana after all. (I hope Jeremy, who is taking over my house, will feed Cat. She really is a cute little thing).

Another good good-bye with a great twist

Today I spent the day with Sherri and Jeremy at the pool. It was a perfectly beautiful day with bright blue skies, seriously hot sun and fluffy white clouds. The pool was crystal clear and so refreshing. Just wonderful. Sherri leaves for her 9 month furlough on Monday so this was our last time together...in Ghana...as far as we know. I will hopefully see her in the US as she lives in Wisconsin and will be in Chicago often. I have noticed that the fact that I am returning home and will see Margaret and most likely Sherri when I am there has significantly lessened the pain of saying good-bye. Not really surprising, is it? Anyway, it was a very nice day spent with friends and I am grateful for it.

What is the twist??? Well.... about 2-3 hours after we had been at the pool (which is at a hotel) there is a little ruckus and a bunch of rather fit Ghanaian men enter the pool area. I am looking at their shorts that have numbers on them and thinking "I believe these are the Black Stars". Which really isn't that profound of a thought as Sherri had mentioned that they were out in front of the hotel when she got there about 30 minutes before I did. I am still not 100% sure until I see Michael Essien, number 8, come in and then of course there is no doubt. Michael Essien is the most well known Black Star - other than Steven Appiah. Did I carry myself in a dignified, grown-up way?? Uh... NO! I sat there staring and saying "that's Michael Essien, that's Michael Essien!" I think I was slightly more reserved today than I was back in 1986 or so when I was at the Chicago Bear's training camp and got my picture taken with most of the 1985 Superbowl team - but probably not by much. It was really great. There were a few young kids around that they gave autographs to and took pictures with and in general they were just relaxed and enjoying the pool. And as you will see below Sherri and I also got our pictures taken with a few of them. Jeremy was kind enough to play photographer and didn't even seem embarrassed by the two adult groupies he was with. Overall it was a neat experience. I enjoyed talking briefly with Quincy Owusu-Abeyie, number 20, who was my favorite player during the Africa Cup of Nations back in Jan/Feb. He was so fast and determined. I was very impressed with him on the field - he seemed to be everywhere. Anyway, the Black Stars have assembled in Ghana to play against Gabon tomorrow evening in a World Cup qualifier game. Most of the players live in Europe and play on the club teams - like Manchester United or Chelsea - so they have to come back together to play for their national team. Those of you who live in the US and don't follow football could care less right now but indulge me in my childish enthusiasm.:) So needless to say this was a unique and fantastic experience. I was slightly horrible in calling Lee and rubbing it in just a bit but he was pretty excited for Sherri and me.

There are a few pictures below and a few more on the link in the left column. Thanks for indulging me!!

Pictures with the Ghana Black Stars

Sherri, Torsten Blackwood (no. 7), me, Michael Essien (no. 8)












Me with Michael Essien!! After going to the Africa Cup of Nations game, this is just so cool.




















me with Quincy Owusu-Abeyie - my favorite player during the Cup of Nations.












Sherri and me with her favorite player, no. 9, Junior Agogo













A few more of the players enjoying the cool water after the practice they had had this morning.

my funny friends

Don't you just love having friends that are mildly insane and hysterical? I do!

This is my friend Sherri - she's so confused.















And of course this is my roomie, Mags. I just love her. She cracked me up on a regular basis.












Me and Sherri trying to take a "real" picture. But this one is much better than a standard one.

















This is Ama, my friend and (former) Twi tutor. She will actually get to America before I do this summer. I don't think I will get to see her there but she will spend some time with Margaret. She is a wonderful friend.





And yes, we do use our sunglasses here as headbands on a constant basis. Just easier and they are always handy.

A good good-bye with Mags

I have been wanting to write about what Mags and I did our last couple of days together here but I have been having multiple computer issues so it has taken me a bit of time to get to it. I even have pictures to show you but they will have to wait. (they are on now just below this post). It was nice to have the opportunity to spend some time with mags before she left. On Tuesday we just ran some last minute errands for her that primarily involved shopping. We have frequently run errands together over the last year so it was good. Then we decided at the last minute to go to a big tourist thing here in Accra that neither of us had been to yet. It is the Kwame Nkrumah mausoleum in down town Accra right on the ocean. I have passed it several times but had not gone in. It is a really beautiful place. As we went through the museum part I learned several things about Ghana's history and Kwame Nkrumah. In 1957 Ghana gained their independence from colonial British rule and Kwame Nkrumah became the Prime Minister from 1957 to 1960. In 1960 he was elected the nation's first President and he served until 1966 when he was ousted in a coup. In the museum there were many pictures of President Nkrumah with heads of state from all over the world. It was very impressive. Three specific things surprised me that I learned there. The first is that shortly after he came to power he married a lady from Egypt. The second is that after he was ousted in the coup d'etat he became co-president of Guinea with Sekou Toure. And finally I was really surprised to see a photo of Fidel Castro of Cuba at Kwame Nkrumah's funeral. I don't know all the details behind these things but the museum was very interesting. If you ever make it to Ghana I highly recommend going. Both Kwame Nkrumah and his wife, Fattiah, are buried in the mausoleum (so I am told).

Mags and I also got to "cash" in our massage gift certificates that a friend had arranged for us at Christmas. That was very nice! And then we got pedicures. This is a must before leaving Ghana b/c they are only about $8 for the full treatment that would cost around $25 in the states. Finally she spent the evening at the house with Eva, Sherri and myself. Overall it was a very good good-bye and I am so glad for the time to do some things together before she left. Often good-byes are hurried and regrets come of what should have been said and done. This is one time where I don't have regrets and it is really nice. I hope over the next few weeks that this same type of thing will happen with others that I am saying good-bye to. I plan to make a point of it with those that I am closest to.

(see below for some pictures of these couple of days and there are a few more if you go to the link on the left).

Pictures from last days with Mags

This is the Kwame Nkrumah mausoleum. He is the first president of Ghana, elected in 1960. He and his wife are both buried here. His most famous quote is "always forward, never back".
























Every once in awhile I just have to act like a tourist. And of course take any chance to get a palm tree and/or the ocean in the picture:)






















This building is in down town Accra where most of the ministries and other major buildings are. It is the National Theatre aka Noah's ark (as you can tell by the shape). It is a really good landmark when giving directions. My church is just down the road from here.







Mags enjoying one of our favorite meals at Papaye's - chicken and rice. Yummy!!



























This building is the Ghana University for doctors and surgeons (or something close to that). I think it is a beautiful building. There are dozens of large, beautiful buildings going up all over Accra - mainly hotels but also educational and private business facilities.

good-bye and an interesting thank you

Well Mags is off. She is now aboard Delta flying over the ocean to NYC. I will be on that flight in just a few weeks. How exciting! It was of course very hard to see her go but that sadness is tempered a bit b/c I know I will be seeing her in a couple of months. It will be very interesting for us to see each other in our home environment. I wonder how much different we will be. Now that her stuff is out of the house it is time for me to do some serious preliminary packing. I am not one to wait until the last minute for this stuff so I will get everything packed that I won't need between now and when I leave...and then organize what I will be using up until the last day. I am excited to start packing b/c that means I get to head home soon.

Mags left her bicycle for our gardener, Joseph, to have. He rides his bike everywhere and also runs a little bike repair place just down from our house. He was so very pleased when Mags told him yesterday that he could have her bike. It obviously meant a great deal to him. What was interesting is that after he thanked Mags profusely, he turned to me and said "madame, please convey to her my thanks." I am not sure that I have really heard that before and was a tad confused at why I needed to do that when he has just done so. But it is a sign of respect and immense gratitude for him to ask me to do that. What he is saying is that I, as the "owner" of the house and being older than Mags, should express my thanks and his thanks for the wonderful gift she gave him. I am called "madame" by Joseph and our guard, Kwasi, b/c I am the "employer". It is weird but that's the way it is and so they see me as in a position of authority so to speak over Maggie. That isn't really accurate but that is the perception. So that is why Joseph asked me to thank her - to show her how very grateful he is. It is a neat little thing and I don't think we have anything quite like it in America.

Well I continue to wrap up things in the office. By next week I should have the last 2-3 "big" items completed and that will be really great. I hope it will save Lee and Michelle a lot of hassles and also help the person coming in to take my place.

Off to work and pack....

the flow has started

This morning I got up with a sadness in me and the tears have started to flow. Apart from not sleeping well last night and still having stomach issues, I am pretty sure that the tears are mainly from the grieving and leaving process beginning. Changes are coming and fast and furious now. My friends have left or are leaving in a few days. Mariah left earlier this week, Jules leaves Sunday and Margaret leaves Thursday. Sherri leaves at the end of the month and all the teachers at AIS will be gone as well. So this is a real time of saying good-bye and looking at my leaving straight in the face. Does this mean that I made the wrong decision? No. I have no doubts about that. It is just the normal process of saying good-bye to people you love and a place that has become at least somewhat familiar. Change - we love it, we hate it. As I said in a previous entry, I am learning to hold opposing emotions in tandem. Now it is the sadness of saying good-bye, while holding the excitement and eagerness of returning home. I don't want to squelch one and magnify the other. They are both real and ok. So when the moments of thinking about leaving or watching friends leave come, I can cry and be sad. When I think of returning home, I can rejoice and be excited. Not quite as cut and dried as it sounds but hopefully you get my point.

I saw a friend yesterday that I haven't seen in weeks. Steve asked me about my decision to go home and how I was feeling about it now. After I shared with him, he commented that he could see the peace and joy in my face. He said "your face lights up in a new way". He knows. He was the wise person that asked me long ago if I hadn't heard God's will or was just denying it. I told him how his words had resonated in me and helped me come to a decision. He had no idea. The Lord used him as an instrument of His grace and wisdom in my life and I am very grateful. Thanks again, Steve, for speaking truth as God laid it on your heart.

My time here is drawing to a close. Less than 5 weeks now. It seems like a long time but I can already tell that it will pass by quickly. There is still quite a bit to do and yet much of it can't be done until closer to actually leaving. But that gives me time to be with those that I care about, time to keep trying to make things easier in the office for those taking over after me, and time with the Lord to reflect on where we have been this last year and looking ahead to what might be. Really, not a bad place to be right now. I am grateful for it.

I am sure there will be many more tears over the next few weeks but as I learned a few years ago during a very difficult time in my life...feelings can hurt and I don't always like what I am feeling but they won't kill me. So I am going to let the tears and laughter flow and embrace the time I have left here...and in a few weeks...embrace being home.

Sports Day

This afternoon I went over to the missionary school here, AIS-American International School, to watch some of the sports day activities. It was fun. The last thing for the day was a softball game with the teachers/admin. vs the high school. The calling of pitches behind the plate by the high schoolers was so appalling I had to offer my services as umpire. It was great fun. I haven't umpired or even watched a softball game in ages. I really enjoyed it and everyone had great attitudes. The teachers won 2-0 b/c of a home run each by the men on the team. In Liberia we called these days "field day" and it happened on the grassy area just next to the beach. I loved those days. My best friend Ruby and I were always in competition for the 50 and 100 yard dash. My memory may be shoddy but I think we went back and forth on who won. At the end of the day I do remember that we were both covered in ribbons. Ah the good 'ol days:) It was fun to see the school do this today and for the kids and teachers alike to enjoy it so much. After it was all over there was a big water fight between students and teachers and even the administrator. Since everyone was pretty much drenched in sweat from the unbelievable humidity here, the water felt great!!

Thoughts on returning to Liberia

Where do I start...well it wasn't nearly as emotional as I thought it might be but I suspect that is b/c the vast majority of my memories of living there are pleasant. My initial response to being there was one of disorientation. Upon getting off the plane I recognized the old terminal where we had flown into when I was a child but that was it. The entire ride (about 30 min. or so) from the airport to the ELWA compound was unfamiliar. I kept thinking "this will jog a memory" but it didn't. If you had said that we were driving through Senegal instead of Liberia I wouldn't have known the difference. The same thing happened in driving to down town Monrovia. I remembered names of places or streets as people said them but visually the only thing that was familiar was the Presidential mansion and going down one hill in the city. At first I was disturbed by this but upon reflection I realized a couple of things. One...I lived there from age 6 to 13 and I didn't spend a lot of time driving to the airport or going down town. Secondly...pretty much my whole life revolved around the ELWA campus. That is where I lived, went to school, went to church, played with friends, went to the beach, etc. etc. I had a few friends off campus but not many. So it now makes sense to me that the city itself wasn't that familiar. Not to mention my memory is 28 years older:)

My initial impressions of ELWA were disappointing. I wish I could say otherwise but that wouldn't be true. So much has changed that if Michelle's dad hadn't known where the entrance to the campus was I would not have even known if we passed it. There are two entrances and in my memory they were both clearly marked and didn't have too many structures around them. But that has changed greatly. At the gate near the hospital there are all sorts of little mom and pop stores and truly you wouldn't know it was an entrance to the campus unless you lived there - even Michelle missed it and she has been back to Liberia several times over the years and lived there in the 90's. The main entrance was surrounded by well cut fields and a maintained football field in "the old days" but now the grass grows tall and there is a huge concrete wall around a big section at the front of the campus. This is where the Chinese company that is rebuilding the roads has rented property and they have closed off their area due to security issues. As we traveled further onto the campus I was still disoriented as the grass and undergrowth is growing wild and free. It took me awhile to see past this as the campus was always so well cared for and I guess I was looking for specific areas in the landscape to help orient me. (Now remember with me that they are recovering from more than a decade of war - and the campus had been bombed and the houses shot up, etc. etc.- so I am not faulting anyone for how things look. I am just giving my impressions and feelings upon returning.) Several of the houses have been fixed up but there are still many that are in very bad shape. It takes a lot of effort and money to rebuild after a war and even just to maintain houses that are 50 yards from the ocean. The salt air is tough on everything! But after Michelle's dad drove us around the campus on the 3-wheeler and later Michelle and I walked around some things within me settled down and I was able to appreciate being there. It was nice to walk with Michelle and talk about who lived in which house and remember different people and funny things, to see those things which are still the same and to greet people along the way.

Michelle and Lee had lived in Liberia in the 90's as missionaries so she had a lot more people to visit than I did. I got to spend a lot of time at the beach enjoying the ocean. It is really beautiful. Surprisingly it is much rougher than I recall but part of that is b/c it is rainy season. And the beach itself has changed greatly. Time and tides have eroded it quite a bit and it seemed about half the size that I remember...and the slope down to the water is much steeper than it was. But still very beautiful.

So here's the brutal honesty of my selfishness. It was hard for me to see "my" childhood home/campus being shared with non-missionaries and not being taken care of like it used to be. I know..it is terrible but it was something I struggled with. I am sure it is common to some degree to want things back the way they were and it took some effort to change that thinking. And the beach...this was almost the hardest part...when I lived there it was a private beach and technically still is except that it is really a fairly public beach now. It was quite crowded even during the week. Each day a huge UN truck would come and bring about 25-30 soldiers who enjoyed the water for several hours. They were perfectly fine but I couldn't believe that "my" beach was being invaded like this. So much of my identity to this place and memories of it are tied with the beach and the ocean that I was actually tense and uncomfortable at the beach for the first couple of days. I am so glad that that went away and I was able to enjoy it.

It was so interesting to go back. I have always held on to the fact that Liberia was home. That's the fact... it was home. It isn't home now. And that is ok. I can hold onto the wonderful memories I have of growing up there and leave it at that. I honestly didn't feel at home or really at ease the entire time I was there - even while I still enjoyed being there - if that makes sense. I felt the same uncomfortableness that I feel in Ghana and that kind of surprised me... and yet doesn't surprise me since I have been gone so long. I can - and do -thank God with a very full heart for the privilege of growing up in Liberia. It is something I treasure and always will. There are people that I grew up with there that I have a special bond with - and always will. I even feel this way about living in Ghana for the last year. But life is forward and that is where I am going. So maybe this is what they call "closure". It's a good thing. I wonder what God is going to do with all that has happened over this last year. I look forward to it. For once, at this moment, I am ok with sitting in the unknown and embracing the moment that is before me. More closure is coming as my friends are already starting to leave Ghana. Most of them will be gone by next week. And then before I know it, I will be headed back to the states. Good-byes and hellos, beginnings and endings, sorrow and joy...the flow of life...holding opposing emotions in tandem. Embracing both without being overwhelmed by either.

Farewell for now Liberia. You are one of the most precious memories I have in my life.

A few pictures from Liberia

Ps. 19:1 - The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

We were blessed with the most amazing sunset one night. This picture was taken right on the beach in front of the house we were staying in. It is all God's work - not edited or touched up in any way. Isn't He amazing????

This is the home I grew up in. It has been fixed up since the war ended and looks almost exactly the same. My room was the window just to the right of the porch. A couple with Samaritan's Purse lives here and graciously allowed me a "tour" of the inside.





The Africa Mercy ship. We were able to have a tour and meal there and it was really great. They have a crew of about 400 on board and take care of surgical needs for people across West Africa.





These men worked with my father in the pharmacy at ELWA back in the 1970's. John Dekarlea is on my right and John Gaien on my left. It was a great pleasure to be able to go and greet them after 28 years. Needless to say they were extremely surprised to see me:)




Of course I had to put another shot of the ocean. Is it any wonder why I love it so much? This is the type of view that I saw on a regular basis while growing up in Liberia. Just wonderful!


If you go to the "online photo link" on the left, you can see all the uploaded pictures on flickr. I hope you enjoy them.