the flow has started

This morning I got up with a sadness in me and the tears have started to flow. Apart from not sleeping well last night and still having stomach issues, I am pretty sure that the tears are mainly from the grieving and leaving process beginning. Changes are coming and fast and furious now. My friends have left or are leaving in a few days. Mariah left earlier this week, Jules leaves Sunday and Margaret leaves Thursday. Sherri leaves at the end of the month and all the teachers at AIS will be gone as well. So this is a real time of saying good-bye and looking at my leaving straight in the face. Does this mean that I made the wrong decision? No. I have no doubts about that. It is just the normal process of saying good-bye to people you love and a place that has become at least somewhat familiar. Change - we love it, we hate it. As I said in a previous entry, I am learning to hold opposing emotions in tandem. Now it is the sadness of saying good-bye, while holding the excitement and eagerness of returning home. I don't want to squelch one and magnify the other. They are both real and ok. So when the moments of thinking about leaving or watching friends leave come, I can cry and be sad. When I think of returning home, I can rejoice and be excited. Not quite as cut and dried as it sounds but hopefully you get my point.

I saw a friend yesterday that I haven't seen in weeks. Steve asked me about my decision to go home and how I was feeling about it now. After I shared with him, he commented that he could see the peace and joy in my face. He said "your face lights up in a new way". He knows. He was the wise person that asked me long ago if I hadn't heard God's will or was just denying it. I told him how his words had resonated in me and helped me come to a decision. He had no idea. The Lord used him as an instrument of His grace and wisdom in my life and I am very grateful. Thanks again, Steve, for speaking truth as God laid it on your heart.

My time here is drawing to a close. Less than 5 weeks now. It seems like a long time but I can already tell that it will pass by quickly. There is still quite a bit to do and yet much of it can't be done until closer to actually leaving. But that gives me time to be with those that I care about, time to keep trying to make things easier in the office for those taking over after me, and time with the Lord to reflect on where we have been this last year and looking ahead to what might be. Really, not a bad place to be right now. I am grateful for it.

I am sure there will be many more tears over the next few weeks but as I learned a few years ago during a very difficult time in my life...feelings can hurt and I don't always like what I am feeling but they won't kill me. So I am going to let the tears and laughter flow and embrace the time I have left here...and in a few weeks...embrace being home.