Where do I start...well it wasn't nearly as emotional as I thought it might be but I suspect that is b/c the vast majority of my memories of living there are pleasant. My initial response to being there was one of disorientation. Upon getting off the plane I recognized the old terminal where we had flown into when I was a child but that was it. The entire ride (about 30 min. or so) from the airport to the ELWA compound was unfamiliar. I kept thinking "this will jog a memory" but it didn't. If you had said that we were driving through Senegal instead of Liberia I wouldn't have known the difference. The same thing happened in driving to down town Monrovia. I remembered names of places or streets as people said them but visually the only thing that was familiar was the Presidential mansion and going down one hill in the city. At first I was disturbed by this but upon reflection I realized a couple of things. One...I lived there from age 6 to 13 and I didn't spend a lot of time driving to the airport or going down town. Secondly...pretty much my whole life revolved around the ELWA campus. That is where I lived, went to school, went to church, played with friends, went to the beach, etc. etc. I had a few friends off campus but not many. So it now makes sense to me that the city itself wasn't that familiar. Not to mention my memory is 28 years older:)
My initial impressions of ELWA were disappointing. I wish I could say otherwise but that wouldn't be true. So much has changed that if Michelle's dad hadn't known where the entrance to the campus was I would not have even known if we passed it. There are two entrances and in my memory they were both clearly marked and didn't have too many structures around them. But that has changed greatly. At the gate near the hospital there are all sorts of little mom and pop stores and truly you wouldn't know it was an entrance to the campus unless you lived there - even Michelle missed it and she has been back to Liberia several times over the years and lived there in the 90's. The main entrance was surrounded by well cut fields and a maintained football field in "the old days" but now the grass grows tall and there is a huge concrete wall around a big section at the front of the campus. This is where the Chinese company that is rebuilding the roads has rented property and they have closed off their area due to security issues. As we traveled further onto the campus I was still disoriented as the grass and undergrowth is growing wild and free. It took me awhile to see past this as the campus was always so well cared for and I guess I was looking for specific areas in the landscape to help orient me. (Now remember with me that they are recovering from more than a decade of war - and the campus had been bombed and the houses shot up, etc. etc.- so I am not faulting anyone for how things look. I am just giving my impressions and feelings upon returning.) Several of the houses have been fixed up but there are still many that are in very bad shape. It takes a lot of effort and money to rebuild after a war and even just to maintain houses that are 50 yards from the ocean. The salt air is tough on everything! But after Michelle's dad drove us around the campus on the 3-wheeler and later Michelle and I walked around some things within me settled down and I was able to appreciate being there. It was nice to walk with Michelle and talk about who lived in which house and remember different people and funny things, to see those things which are still the same and to greet people along the way.
Michelle and Lee had lived in Liberia in the 90's as missionaries so she had a lot more people to visit than I did. I got to spend a lot of time at the beach enjoying the ocean. It is really beautiful. Surprisingly it is much rougher than I recall but part of that is b/c it is rainy season. And the beach itself has changed greatly. Time and tides have eroded it quite a bit and it seemed about half the size that I remember...and the slope down to the water is much steeper than it was. But still very beautiful.
So here's the brutal honesty of my selfishness. It was hard for me to see "my" childhood home/campus being shared with non-missionaries and not being taken care of like it used to be. I know..it is terrible but it was something I struggled with. I am sure it is common to some degree to want things back the way they were and it took some effort to change that thinking. And the beach...this was almost the hardest part...when I lived there it was a private beach and technically still is except that it is really a fairly public beach now. It was quite crowded even during the week. Each day a huge UN truck would come and bring about 25-30 soldiers who enjoyed the water for several hours. They were perfectly fine but I couldn't believe that "my" beach was being invaded like this. So much of my identity to this place and memories of it are tied with the beach and the ocean that I was actually tense and uncomfortable at the beach for the first couple of days. I am so glad that that went away and I was able to enjoy it.
It was so interesting to go back. I have always held on to the fact that Liberia was home. That's the fact... it was home. It isn't home now. And that is ok. I can hold onto the wonderful memories I have of growing up there and leave it at that. I honestly didn't feel at home or really at ease the entire time I was there - even while I still enjoyed being there - if that makes sense. I felt the same uncomfortableness that I feel in Ghana and that kind of surprised me... and yet doesn't surprise me since I have been gone so long. I can - and do -thank God with a very full heart for the privilege of growing up in Liberia. It is something I treasure and always will. There are people that I grew up with there that I have a special bond with - and always will. I even feel this way about living in Ghana for the last year. But life is forward and that is where I am going. So maybe this is what they call "closure". It's a good thing. I wonder what God is going to do with all that has happened over this last year. I look forward to it. For once, at this moment, I am ok with sitting in the unknown and embracing the moment that is before me. More closure is coming as my friends are already starting to leave Ghana. Most of them will be gone by next week. And then before I know it, I will be headed back to the states. Good-byes and hellos, beginnings and endings, sorrow and joy...the flow of life...holding opposing emotions in tandem. Embracing both without being overwhelmed by either.
Farewell for now Liberia. You are one of the most precious memories I have in my life.
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